How to Figure Out What Makes You Happy When Life Feels Stuck

Introduction

One morning, my daughter begged me to play tag. Messy hair, unfolded laundry on the sofa—I darted around the coffee table, trying to figure out how to keep up with her energy and hold onto that burst of happy as I tossed a shirt aside mid-run. My other kid shouted, “Hurry, Mom, she’s on your tail!” We laughed until we collapsed in a giggly heap on top of clean clothes. I felt so lucky. Later, while cooking dinner, I thought—my kids get all my joy… but where’s mine? That question started the journey I’m sharing with you today.

Why Happiness Feels Tricky After Becoming a Mom

Before marriage, life was easy-breezy.
No mile-long to-do list stuck on the fridge. No tiny humans needing snacks five minutes after lunch. My “big responsibilities” were:

• Listen to my parents (or at least look like I was).
• Pass my exams.
• Maybe try a hobby if I wasn’t feeling lazy.

Then came marriage… and motherhood. That’s when my happiness got sneaky. Somewhere along the line, it started living in my kids’ smiles instead of my own face. I’d think, “They’re happy, so I’m happy… right?”

I saw my mom do it too—serving everyone else while running on zero energy and maybe half a cup of cold coffee. Society calls that being a “good mom.” And without even realizing it, we start believing:

• Putting yourself first is selfish.
• Mom joy only counts if it’s about your kids.
• If you’re happy for no reason, you must have forgotten a chore.

And that, my friend, is why happiness gets tricky after becoming a mom. We’re so busy being the snack supplier, laundry queen, and boo-boo healer that we forget we’re also human beings who deserve joy for ourselves.

Spotting Your “Happiness Clues”

Since happiness can feel tricky, the best place to start is to figure out your “happiness clues” — those tiny moments hiding in your everyday life that make you feel happy without you even trying.

For me, that meant paying attention to patterns. Like…

• Slipping into my comfiest oversized T-shirt (the one my mom says looks “too baggy,” but I love it anyway).
• Listening to my favorite podcast while stirring something on the stove.
• Sipping a hot cup of coffee in peace, staring out the window at the plants I water every morning.

These aren’t big, life-changing events. But when I do them, my mood just lifts. So start noticing those little moments for yourself. Your “happiness clues” might be right under your nose—maybe even hiding in that laundry pile you’ve been ignoring.

The 3-Minute Test to See What Sparks Joy

When I first tried figuring out what actually makes me happy, I came up with… my morning coffee sip. That’s it. Not even the whole cup—just the first sip. (Obviously, the rest usually goes cold before I get to it.)

So, I made up a little trick I call the 3-Minute Test. Here’s how it works:

• Close your eyes. Pretend your husband and kids are out for a bit, and the house is all yours. (No sticky fingers on you, no “Mom, where’s my…” echoing through the walls.)
• Ask yourself: “What’s the very first thing I’d want to do right now?”
• Notice what pops into your head—without judging it. Even if it’s just eating a snack without sharing it.

For me, it’s usually things like:

• Watering my plants.
• Playing old favorite songs I haven’t heard in forever.
• Calling a friend I haven’t talked to in weeks—because uninterrupted phone calls are rarer than unicorn sightings.

The point isn’t to create some Pinterest-worthy “self-care” plan. It’s to spot those tiny, honest sparks—the things you want to do when no one’s asking for snacks or help finding a missing sock.

Try the “Mini Joy Experiments”

You know, many people love to learn new things. So why not spend 15–30 minutes each day doing something you really love to do but haven’t learned yet? In that little time, You might figure out a new skill that makes you feel truly happy.

# Read a book that’s NOT about parenting. These days we read only parenting books, right? But pick a new one—fiction or non-fiction, your choice—and read it for half an hour. Bonus: if your kids see you reading, they might copy you and pick up the habit too. So, you get your refresh time and pass on a good skill.

# Join an online class you love. Could be portrait sketching, baking, or any skill that keeps your mind fresh and alive.

# Join your kids for a silly game. Like running and catching or crawling over couch cushions. Bonus: it refreshes you and builds a better connection with your kids. (But warning—it might also leave your living room looking like a small tornado visited.)

# Call a friend or your mom for an uninterrupted chat. When my kids and husband head out, sometimes the first thing I do is grab my phone and call a friend or my mom. Because honestly, trying to have a real conversation when the kids are home is like trying to do yoga in a hurricane. We end up talking about everything—life updates, online classes we might take together, planning a shopping trip… all the fun stuff. It’s not an everyday habit like reading or taking a class, but it always leaves me feeling refreshed.

These mini experiments may look small, but if you keep doing them, you’ll slowly build a little happiness habit without even trying.

Remove the “Happiness Blockers” (Rarely Talked About)

Sometimes we act like our happiness is stored in someone else’s pocket.

“Your happiness isn’t in someone else’s hands—it’s in yours.”

# One of the biggest happiness thieves? Mom guilt

I grew up watching my mom give up everything for the family, even when she wasn’t well. She still smiled and served, and I absorbed that mindset like a sponge.

Then there’s the “good girl” label. As kids, following the rules got us praise—and it felt amazing. But that approval chase doesn’t expire with age. I saw it in my own daughters when my elder got upset because her younger sister was called “good” by a relative.

The problem: after decades of being “good,” doing something just for yourself—like sipping coffee alone—can feel selfish.

Truth: You’re not selfish. You’re human.

Fix: Drop the guilt like a diaper that’s been in the trash too long.

# The Social Media Comparison Trap

Social media is like that fascinating but exhausting friend. One moment you’re laughing at cat videos, the next you’re trying to figure out why you’re suddenly not as happy when you compare your messy dinner table to someone’s perfect sourdough post.

I once compared myself to a glamorous entrepreneur mom online—wealthy, gorgeous, always smiling. She could do it all because she had help, and she paid for it.

The guilt hit hard. I’m not earning extra right now, and even healthy food can feel like a luxury.

“I’m not a modern mom who balances career and home perfectly.”

But here’s the truth I clung to:

I may not provide organic everything, but I’m giving my kids something priceless—emotional presence.

Apples may not be organic, but the love is.

If you’ve ever felt like other people’s opinions or actions were chipping away at your joy, you’ll love my guide on how to not let others affect your happiness and feel like yourself again. It’s packed with tips to protect your mood and reclaim your peace.

# The Extremes Problem

I’ve seen both sides of the parenting spectrum:

My mom: sacrificed everything for the family.

My mother-in-law: did as little as possible.

Both left emotional gaps—burnout on one side, disconnection on the other.

“Happiness lives in the middle ground.”

The sweet spot? Caring for your family and yourself. That balance fuels joy and long-term energy.

And if part of finding that balance for you means learning to trust your partner again after a rough patch, my post on How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust and Heal? shares real steps to rebuild that closeness without rushing the process.

# Negative Self-Talk and Self-Doubt

Scrolling through Instagram can feel like climbing a ladder you’ll never reach the top of, especially when you can’t quite figure out why it’s so hard to feel happy afterward.

Two truths we forget:

• Many with less than us are perfectly content.
• Those “ahead” usually built strong habits—they didn’t get lucky overnight.

But instead of adopting those habits, we tell ourselves:

• “I’m just not a positive person.”
• “I could never work out daily.”

The fix is small steps:

• Swap “I could never” with “I’ll try for five minutes.”
• Read one page, not a whole book.
• Think one positive thought, not a hundred.

Every small win nudges the brightness back up on your life.

If you’ve ever wondered why you sometimes snap at the people you love most, you’re not alone. I dive deep into this in Why Am I So Mean to Everyone I Love? It’s Not Just You, Mama — and trust me, understanding the “why” can take a big weight off your heart.

Happiness Isn’t a One-Time Discovery

Here’s the thing: happiness isn’t like finding a $20 bill in your jeans pocket — you don’t just find it once and keep it forever. It’s more like laundry… it never really ends, you just keep doing it in cycles.

Sometimes we figure we’ve cracked the code to staying happy — like signing up for an online guitar class. For a month, you’re strumming away… and then the guitar starts collecting dust in the corner. Now you feel guilty for wasting the money and the dream.

The truth? That’s normal.

“You’re not failing at happiness. You’re just changing seasons.”

Here’s how to handle it without beating yourself up:

# Accept that interests change. Today it’s guitar, tomorrow it might be watercolor painting, next month it could be yoga. That’s not flakiness — that’s growth.

# Recycle your resources. If you’re done with the guitar, sell it or gift it. Free up space for your next spark.

# Test before you invest big. Try free classes, trial periods, or borrowing equipment before splurging.

# Notice patterns. If something holds your attention for three months, that’s a sign it’s worth keeping.

# Give yourself a reboot option. If you loved it once, a little self-pep talk might bring the joy back.

“Happiness isn’t a final destination — it’s a series of scenic stops.”

And yes, sometimes your “stop” only lasts a season — like gardening for one summer because your neighbor’s flowers inspired you. That’s okay. Either pick it back up next year or let it be a happy chapter in your book. No guilt required.

Final Thoughts

Happiness isn’t something you have to wait for in your partner’s actions, your kids’ behavior, or a perfect “someday” life. It’s already in you — and the sooner you figure that out, the sooner you’ll notice how many little moments are waiting to make you happy right now.

But if lately it feels like your partner’s actions (or lack of them) are making that happiness harder to find, my post Why Do I Feel So Disconnected from My Partner? I Just Want Us Back might be the push you need to start rebuilding that closeness.

And here’s the big truth:

# Mom guilt is the #1 happiness thief.
You can declutter your house all you want, but if you don’t declutter that guilt, you’ll never feel truly free.

# Yes, letting go of guilt is hard — it’s like unlearning decades of “good girl” training. But you can do it, one tiny step at a time.

# Start small. Do one thing you love today for just 15 minutes — guilt-free.

# Notice the shift. Pay attention to how light you feel afterward.

# Keep going. Stack those small joys like bricks, and watch your happiness grow.

Tell me in the comments: What’s the one guilt-free thing you did for yourself today?

Moms — you’re not selfish for being happy. You were born to live a life you actually enjoy, without giving up your responsibilities or draining every drop of your energy for others.

When you’re happy, the people around you feel it too. Because emotions spread. And happiness? It’s contagious.

A happy mom makes everything around her blossom. Period.